I’ve a flaw.
One fatal flaw that’s possibly cost me job opportunities.
The flaw of honesty.
I lack the ability to embellish, exaggerate, bend the truth or tell untruths on a resume; in this economy, those are mighty good skills to have; there’s no dearth of applicants practicing one, some or all either.
And that’s where you, the readers, fit in.
For three years I’ve been seeking employment, sending out resumes enough to cross the Pacific to Hawaii and back to the West Coast of the United States of America.
Never mind the rewritings and tweakings and polishings of the resume that have taken place.
And let not my career resume be confused with my blue-collar resume of, with an exception or two, menial crap lame jobs.
I write exclusively of the latter; the professional resume is in good standing.
What’s your part you’re wondering and how does it tie into honesty? I shall get to those answers.
The crap blue-collar jobs resume — henceforth to be called CBC resume — is an honest rendition of
how I’ve trashed and wasted my life employment in the past seven years (three of which have been unemployed and that’s no good on a resume).
A few positions have been excluded. Yellow Pages deliverer for a month. Dex phone book deliver for a spell. Housecleaner for a month and a half. (That was rugged, man, working with one catty backstabbing bitch and one thief who helped herself to the bills in my wallet.)
These jobs do nothing to enhance my resume (or self-esteem), only soil it further.
Additionally, there are space considerations. No employer wants a two-page resume showing 12 jobs in four years. It makes me look like an unstable drug addict on the run.
And I am neither drug addict nor unstable.
So now to you, my readers.
My CBC resume has gotten me nowhere – as evidenced by the absence of employment after years of hearty and heartful looking.
And because my honesty and most of all conscience prohibit me from lying or even exaggerating on the resume, I turn to you to help bring into fruition an idea I’ve long entertained and had simmering in the back of my honest yet imaginative mind. (Odd that those two can coexist but they do!)
I want to create a resume – a CBC resume, mind you – of “fallacies.”
Here’s the project.
You tell me, in the comments box, the most hideous job you’ve had.
Better, you present it in resume-ready form so that it may be directly copy-pasted. I’m in no mood to write your resume submission; I can barely stomach writing my own!
Format it as you wish. The one condition to which you are requested to adhere is that the job be one that you dreaded. Your crappiest job that you’d sooner forget but can’t.
The job that had you so low, you thought about ending it. The job with a boss whose behaviors, management or simply personality were criminal.
The job where coworkers made the environment a living hell. A job where a monkey blindfolded and with one hand roped behind his back — gently, of course — could’ve done your tasks.
The job that paid peanuts on the dollar and still you subsisted on instant ramen — topped with those luxurious chopped peanuts if you found a dollar on the street.
The job that shamed you to the core.
The job whose elements made mincemeat of your dreams, your soul, your heart, your dignity, you.
A job where every day you went home and (a) cried yourself to sleep; (b) wanted to cry yourself to sleep but could not for all tears had been shed; (c) drank yourself into a silly stupor, sleep or both; (d) rued the day you were born; (e) rued the years your parents pounded into you that a job is a job and your dreams don’t matter; (f) took up reciting aloud positive affirmations penned on Post-It notes stuck onto the refrigerator, bathroom mirror, walls, doors, closets, cabinets or car console to assuage the pain and quiet that nagging voice of: “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING IN THIS STUPID JOB WASTING MY LIFE YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR MAKING CRAP MINIMUM WAGE?!!”
Yes, THAT job.
And from your submissions — again, resume style please, no years or locations necessary and employer names may be tweaked or omitted for security — I shall fashion a resume of … a liar? An inventive storyteller? An imaginative yet desperate jobless survivor of a crashed economy?
A girl too long beaten down and wearied by lack and three years of sustained efforts at employment? A job-seeker too long ignored, overlooked and invisible in the eyes of resume reviewers and interviewers?
A gal too honest for her own good in the marketplace?
A Tacoma escapee / Colorado transplant in the spirit of play and defiance throwing
caution honesty to the wind and creating a resume of others’ truths — thereby keeping it truthful — because why the hell not?!? (A) Employers aren’t reading the resume anyhow or (B) the for-real resume ain’t doin’ a damn thing to secure an income!
It’s a wild experiment to see what DOES generate employer responses and offers.
So, my readers, the more outrageous the job, the better. Your collective resume bearing my name just may cause an employer to sit up, take notice, pick up that phone and dial my number faster than you can say “inventive desperate storyteller applicant!”
A mouthful but hey, I promote unabbreviated non-tweeted exclamations!
And your reward in this project? My first employment cheque will also be yours.