lost in time and lost in space

China

Because that which is not written destroys.

— me

There’s a potion as powerful as any behind the Looking Glass.

As powerful and more toxic.

Criticism.

I’m really really really struggling with this environment — it can’t rightfully be called a home — and specifically the person who makes it so uninviting by her domination, criticisms (including behind my back) and pettiness.

lost in time and space

It is a situation intensified by a history that will not be divulged but described only as extremely painful, destructive, diminishing and toxic.

My solution then was to disappear, to diminish to the size of a pinpoint and become invisible.

The same defense to shield myself from attacks and criticisms is transpiring. Leaving my body. Intense withdrawal. Entire days spent away from the house.

This is no way to live. It IS a means to survive hostile and/or unsupportive environments. Women frighten me. Some women. I would take a man’s brutality and cruelty over a woman’s viscousness and insidious destruction any moment in any lifetime.

And I have. (Which is to say that I’ve engaged with both and the cruelest man neither frightens nor destroys as the insidious dangerous woman.)

Men fight fair. Women do not. They are the dangerous sex. You intelligent men know of what I speak. Women rooted in and of the sisterhood might too.

I’m in an environment where at any turn I’m subject to criticism for wrongdoing PER ANOTHER’S PERCEPTION. I can’t stress enough the extremely small and minor nature of these offenses that elicit these scoldings and threats to authority.

A small piece of paper found fallen on the ground.

One of three latches (and the least important) left unlocked.

A bag missing from the emptied garbage can.

I am ashamed to be to be involved on any level in a situation and with a person who considers these actions to be federal offenses and cause for stern mention when there are children in Africa who would gladly trade their starved bellies for these problems.

If they didn’t shame us out of the home for the pettiness of these problems, they might laugh us out instead and well they should.

I wondered this morning as I drew aside the shower curtain after bathing whether I was leaving it in a position that would draw criticism from Marcy.

Wondered whether it was OK to refill the dogs’ water bowl and did I refill it to the proper level.

There was a paper napkin on the kitchen floor. Thank God it wasn’t mine! I’d have heard about it and racked up another demerit, another complaint, another scolding.

Where, if anywhere, do Marcy’s designations ends and being and doing as I do become acceptable?

Everything I do in the public/household forum is subject to critical evaluation and the question: Does it meet the Rules According to Marcy.

I can’t breathe.

I cannot fucking breathe.

Without breath, there is no life.

Words to the (future) wise and those attempting to live: Do Not Drink the Poison.

Drink Me

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lexiemom
    Aug 11, 2011 @ 10:11:32

    Have you tried “Roommates.com”? It’s free to search. Here’s a link: http://location.roommates.com/colorado/denver.html
    I hope this helps you in your search for new accomodations & homeplace peace.

    Reply

    • allycatadventures
      Aug 11, 2011 @ 10:19:54

      @lexie – As the Moving Queen (instead of the Dancing Queen, haha), I’m up on the online roommmates tools, including roommates.com. It is not free, which is to say searching is free; reading messages, however, costs — and there’s the hook.

      Reply

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