You {cough} Light Up {cough cough} My Life {cough cough, hack}

Stupid is as stupid does.

Then they have children.

Typically many. (Note: One is too many.) The cycle repeats. And that in brief, class, is how mankind in its sorry state came to be.

You’ve heard that smoking harms the unborn children of pregnant women.

Rubbish! It assists them. Just ask new mama Ms. Charlie Wilcox of Britain.

Restricting the oxygen flow forces the baby’s heart to work harder, strengthening it.

Smoking’s “making the baby use its heart on its own in the first place, so that when it comes out, it’s going to be able to do them things by itself.”

{Like press its inhaler button at week one? I speak out of turn.}

Now there’s a concept of logic that’s been completely overlooked by physicians and researchers in prenatal development and care!

Charlie smoked 3,500 cigarettes during her pregnancy. She averaged 15 to 20 smokes a day in the first six months. Then she cut it down to five.

Why she didn’t say. Perhaps she felt the baby’s heart development was sufficiently robust and no longer needed the nicotine booster. Perhaps she was short on cash for smokes. We may never know.

We do know this:

“I think it was my right — and I don’t believe it was hurting Lilly. I wasn’t ready to give up smoking. I think if I’d given up straight away, the stress would have been more harmful to the baby.”

Sure, I can see that. Here, lemme strike that match for you, honey.

I didn’t mean to interrupt. Please continue.

“I felt her kick every day, and on every scan I went to she was healthy and growing,” Charlie says. “There is nothing wrong with her.”

Well, the midwives who tested you while preggers and found the carbon monoxide levels levels to be six times higher than those considered safe for a baby might disagree.

But what do they know compared to baby daddy Shane Baker, who after all is far more intimately connected with the child than they:

“At first I didn’t agree with Charlie smoking throughout her pregnancy.

“I heard all the speculation and gossip about what smoking does to the baby, so I was worried at first.”

Speculation. Gossip. That’s all it is. Rest your worried mind, Mr Baker. Please go on.

“But the scan results were showing different. They were showing we had a healthy baby with a regular heartbeat.”

Whew, that’s a relief! I’ll respectfully stand back so that you might light her next smoke. Oh, what’s that you wish to say?

“To Charlie’s smoking critics, I would say that unless you’re in the situation yourself, then you shouldn’t jump to conclusions.”

Right on, brother, you tell ’em! Until pregnant people pump their bodies full of nicotine and still birth babies who are fine and healthy, they’ve got no right to judge!

And what’s a little prematurity and underweight anyhow? That can be fixed with double feedings.

So Charlie recently had daughter Lilly. She arrived 10 days early and weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces, roughly a pound under the British average of 7 pounds 4 ounces.

Certainly it has nothing to do with the smoking. Mama prob’ly just didn’t eat enough spinach and red meats.

Now that she’s a mum, supporting self and bambina on British tax dollars, has her view on the benefits of smoking during pregnancy changed?

Yes. It’s been bolstered.

“My mate gave up smoking and she miscarried at nine weeks, on the same day I gave birth to Lilly. Me and my friends think it’s because she gave up smoking.”

That’s it.

Not only has Ms. Charlie courageously challenged convention and by producing healthy (and it is hoped fully breathing) progeny, albeit slightly premature and underweight, debunked the myth that smoking’s harmful, she’s contributed a radically new view of it as helpful.

And isn’t that how mankind advances? Black lungs sheep proving the world is round, not flat …

This is big.

Genius of that caliber deserves recognition. I’m contacting the Karolinska Institute* myself and directly.

*awards Nobel Prizes in Medicine or Physiology

(“Out, in, out, in, out, in…”)
Breathing it in,
Breathing my mother in,
Breathing my beloved in,
Breathing it in,
Breathing her nicotine,
Breathing it in,
Breathing the fall-out in,
Out in, out in, out in, out in.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. longeyesamurai
    Jun 11, 2011 @ 18:34:16

    Did someone call the Nobel commitee? What do you mean they won’t touch this… Get me the Ig Nobel committee then (

    Sigh! And I thought the vaccination causes autism theory was far-fetched!


    • allycatadventures
      Jun 12, 2011 @ 10:57:49

      @Capra – Apparently the Nobel committee wasn’t ready for the innovative thinking of the likes of Ms. Charlie. Mankind advances slowly … Thanks for the Ig link, now amongst my Cool Sites bookmarks.


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