spectre, unseen

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I should be jumping up and down, figuratively if not actually, at the birthday wishes, the anticipation of sharing a meal, a drink, or simply a slice of cake.

I live in a town where no one knows my name.

I thought I’d write more. I anticipated so when I sat down to write.

It just stopped. Just. Stopped.

The mountain of debris from a decade of ruinous choices and directions, none by intent, looms larger than me, but not larger than life.

I am an ant staring at the massive rubble. I’ve woven paths through the pieces, identified them, examined and studied them and recorded them in pages of journals.

My birthday should matter to someone here, should it not? Someone in Tacoma, Pierce County, Washington should know that I have a name.

spirit(s) of Tacoma

Invisible. I am a ghost in a town of ghosts. Without voice or visibility.

Or am I?

Ghosts have definition, outline, form. I haven’t these.

Pages are filled with emotions and questions, unanswered, on this segment of my life’s journey and the … spookiness. On my walks I’ve met the beast here face to face. He shape shifts from ogre with extended fangs and oozing viscous goo dripping from a monstrous misshapen face to one of placid indifference.

“Why do you not see me?” I ask.

He looks me in the eye and passes by. I’m not sure he saw me at all.

The wall around me is not of my creation. It’s one placed around me by this place.
I know it. I know it sure as I know the truth of my breath.

Except there is no breath here. No life force. Life force is drained. Vortexes. It’s more than vortexes. There’s something about this place that drains and sucks away the life force. Of some.

A sinkhole. A sinkhole.

Tomorrow is just another day.

Except it isn’t. It’s the day I drew first earth breath oh so many years ago.

Breath.

None to be found here. In the town where no one knows my name.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Invictus
    Mar 14, 2011 @ 22:25:55

    Tonight, someone in Novato, California, knows your name. Although it doesn’t sound like it’s off to a good start, happy birthday anyway, and for those yearning desperately to escape, I salute you.

    Reply

    • allycatadventures
      Mar 15, 2011 @ 00:19:28

      @B – Thank you, first. Though not the best birthday, neither even a good one, it is made better by the knowledge that it’s the last here and the Get Out of Jail (Not Free) Card is near within grasp. The tortured souls and the good souls in tortured lives linger here, hanging in the air like the salt or steeped in the soil like the arsenic. My compassion goes out to those who wanted out and/or reached for it and never made it. I understand too intimately, yet I didn’t want to join those ranks and casualities.

      Novato or thereabouts then the place of torrential rains? My dear doctor friend and his partner set up their first home there oh so many years ago so Novato holds a special little sweet spot for me. Must be nice to escape the Idaho winter, only to find it in its wetter form there … :-/

      Reply

      • Invictus
        Mar 15, 2011 @ 19:28:36

        Actually, we were on the southern Oregon coast when we ran afoul of the weather. Winds like a typhoon, and rain in endless sheets, too chilly for tropical-area storms. Tonight, we’re in San Jose, and heading home tomorrow. Whee.

        Reply

  2. Karyn @ kloppenmum
    Mar 15, 2011 @ 01:07:00

    Someone in New Zealand says: hi and Happy Birthday! Hope you can manage to treat yourself. Until we sort out how to send food via the internet I’ll just have to have a coffee and piece of cake in your honour. 🙂

    Reply

  3. fotografzahl
    Mar 17, 2011 @ 17:51:08

    (I’ve some catching up to do – a lot of work and then I’ve been ill – again.)

    Your post sounds quite depressing (although the accompanying photo is lovely), but I think I understand your situation.

    If the outside world is so negative to you, you must try to get some strength from within… I used to do autogenous training and meditation and I created some beautiful imaginary places that I “visited” for just a few minutes a day.
    Kind of an oasis for hard days… The effect was enormous!

    Maybe something like that could help you until you leave this place behind? A goal? Try to pamper yourself whenever you can – even the smallest things can add up positively…

    Anyway, I just wanted to help somehow… 😉

    Cheer up,

    Timo

    Reply

    • allycatadventures
      Mar 18, 2011 @ 11:50:58

      @fotografzahl – Thank you for the suggestions and trying to help. Fortunately the worst in this long dark chapter is behind and the future is brighter, and when this terrible time is over, it’s over, never to be again. That’s inspiration.

      Reply

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