“He that withholdeth corn, the people shall curse him,” states the bible. Here’s the exception.

Here's a recipe I can't recommend.

Take a bottle of rubber cement.

Add a child's plastic blocks — the yellow — diced.

Pour both into a saucepan and heat.

That's the creamed corn I had last night.

It was the most hideous creamed corn of my entire life!!

You know how creamed corn is normally liquidy and soft? This is far from that. It's thick and glossy, gooey and sticky.

And it doesn't look like corn. It looks like, well, plastic yellow chips.

The entire production resembles a kindergartner's school project. Or lousy attempt to mimic a consumable. It's faux food.

Not optimistic about the flavor, I heat it up to super hot. Some foods go down easier when they're all bubbly, even scalding, to disguise whatever ails.


I wince watching it sliiiiide from pan into bowl, the kitchen light bouncing off its glistening shellac-like surface.

I stir vigorously as if it's a magic spoon that can create alchemy before my very eyes.

And with an open mind I give it a try, this product that'd be better put to use in laying carpet.

Could not do it. Four or five grimacing swallows into that flavorless yellow chippy goo, I throw in the towel. Think it'll just be these chicken nuggets for dinner then.

Return to the kitchen where what's left in the bowl, pan and tupperware is promptly washed down the drain. Well, wash is overstating, it's more a … plodding down the drain.

Rinse and examine the can. Breckenridge Farms. Never heard of 'em. The address is scanty, dicey, and of course there's no phone number. I'll bet it's a distribution plant for products from China.

I try to remember where I'd bought this hideous thing. Some dollar store.

You get what you pay for and going off brand sometimes just ain't worth it.

Unless of course you happen to be about ready to lay some carpet. A cheaper textured glue you will not find.

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