home oh home where are ye?

from the pages …

I have lost my rudder on the lifeboat. HOME is the rudder that empowers my recovery. Space. Solitude. Serenity. Silence. These are the essentials and foundation of a home.

Without the rudder, I am lost. Adrift. Flailing and floating through watery space. It IS home — a good home — that, with paid employment, is the Beginning of All That Is and Is to Come.

I am frightened. I cannot afford to lose the little ground I have gained in stabilizing and recovering my life. I am frightened because I know what is at stake even as the world does not. I am frightened for the possibility of treading water or, worse, backtracking into situations (and others’ madnesses) not of my making or control that nonetheless must be dealt with and that demand much of and from me.

I tremble at reliving even an iota of the housing hells, particularly intense since 2007.

I am at a loss of how to meet my basic needs in a situation that can no longer meet my needs WITH my hands tied and cuffed behind my back due to financial hardship and minimal wage/income.

How I loved to come home for two months! To a house clean and tidy and UNOCCUPIED! Space. Space to breathe. Space to be. Space unconditional and free of others’ presence, shaping and demands. Space wholly mine. Holy space mine.

Now, that is gone. Not only do come home to another’s presence (and one made larger by the small quarters) but I KNOW I will come home to someone. That the chance of finding the house empty and walking into perfect stillness and space is a fraction, a veritable nil. He is always here when he is not working and since he works only part-time, he is here.

ACK!!!!!!!!

… Yes, my home is no longer my home, it has lost, and I too, the essentials that make it a home. It was paradise when it lasted. But as life has shown time after time after time after time (!), all good things come to an end and are as often replaced by something worse as something better.

Closer to death than birth and still searching for the hearth that warms, the ground that stabilizes, that space that secures happy feet, happy heart and happy head. {sigh} {ouch}

I’m homeless again (or still). Yes, I have shelter, a place to reside. It is not the same as home; I cannot help any who do not intrinsically understand the difference.

What can I say but home oh home where are ye?

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. fotografzahl
    May 21, 2012 @ 05:06:23

    I understand what you mean with home vs. shelter. I hope there won’t be “funny stuff” this time… However, very often the combination “male-female” works better than “female-female”, as there won’t be catfights. ;-)

    Reply

    • allycatadventures
      May 24, 2012 @ 08:34:08

      @fotografzahl – I’m relieved that *someone* here understands the differences between shelter and home! Agreed about the male-female dynamic being generally better than female-female (and p.s., I don’t do catfights; I may be a girl but am a major tomboy and girl behaviors freak me out as much as they freak out you guys! :) )

      Reply

  2. Flamingo Dancer
    May 23, 2012 @ 04:05:22

    True,home has so many positive emotions attached to it. A very basic need.

    Reply

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